29 gifts, Round III, Week II

You learn things when you sign up to give away gifts every day for 29 days. And one of the things you learn is how to accept gifts graciously. This counts whether the gifts are physical manifestations or emotional support or prayers. In the energy of the 29 days, you also begin to take stock of the things that you do – maybe they are just ordinary things but they are also gifts. You have to shift your mind to understand that dropping off a trinket, sharing a meal, being there for a friend, even taking quiet time or speaking your truth even when your voice shakes is a gift. So it is in this energy that I wrapped up days 7 through 14. I participated in the Free Love One Dollar event, which is a memorial event for a Yorkville resident where you give away $1 bills randomly. I decorated 6 envelopes, but only ended up giving away one because I spent most of that day at an airplane crash covering a story. On Sunday night, I met a friend for support. As it turns out, I needed an ear to listen as much as she did. It’s funny how that ends up happening. Although I could not tell you an everyday breakdown for sure this last week, I know I did a lot of listening. On Tuesday, I listened to an acquaintance pitch a business she had just begun. I was upfront and honest that I would not be signing up (I am allergic to the produce, so I am probably not the best spokesperson), but I let her go through the whole thing. Maybe she needed to practice or maybe she needed to just share it with me because one day someone else will wonder about it and I can point them her way. I gave a lot of time this last week too. I rearranged my schedule for a couple things other people needed and again it ended up being a welcome respite for me as well. Finally, my dad’s birthday was Friday. I bought him a bunch of fruit. He has diabetes, so I try to find healthy alternatives for him. While I know too much fruit can also be bad, I know it’s a better option than cake and I know he really enjoys fruit. The concept of giving is sometimes a strange one – what constitutes as a genuine gift, whether physical or not, can change in every moment. I hope that everyday, even when I am not concentrating on giving, I am a giving person. This week, I plan to give away flowers at least one day this week. It is one of the things I have done every time I have done this project. Go buy a bouquet and leave flowers on cars in a parking lot. This time, I think I will chose a destination that needs a little sunshine. Stay tuned…

29 Gifts - Round III, Week I

If you follow my blog you know that twice before I have taken on the challenge of giving away 29 gifts in 29 days. Inspired by a suggestion about a book by Cami Walker, the idea is just simply to be mindful of giving a gift of some kind every day for 29 days. What I learned in the first two rounds of this experiment are true this round as well and it has only been about five days. Here are the lessons in a nutshell. 1. You change your definition of a gift 2. You are so squarely in the energy of giving and gratitude that gifts begin arriving to you. 3. Even with the best intention otherwise, you give the gift you are meant to give on the day you are meant to give it and not a day earlier. 4. You think differently, which means sometimes you think, 'I could pass this up, but I am giving gifts right now.' 5. Possibility and challenge are all around you. Really, they always were, but you might not have noticed. A gift can be ANYTHING. And thinking of it in this way opens you to the possibility that things that you thought nothing of could truly change someone or something. I had this habit the first time I did this experiment to pay someone's toll. I think it's because something so basic would have meant so much to me when I was a poor college student who did not have the cash. Sure, now we have iPass (well, I still don't), but it still means something. This experiment opens you up to thinking beyond your own borders. I am five days in. I have had people reach out to me, say kind things and leave loving messages on my Facebook wall. My kids have given me extra kisses and people have seemed to reach out more even to just say thank you. Maybe it all would have happened without this experiment, but maybe the magic is in noticing it. I began the week like this - Monday: Donate to scholarship fund Tuesday: Help a friend move Wednesday: Rearrange my schedule to be with my kids after school. This was tough to analyze because certainly I WANTED to spend more time with my kids than I ordinarily get - so in a way it was also a gift TO me. But it was a gift from me and I am learning that many, many times they are both. Thursday: I spontaneously gifted myself time. I chose one thing over another which was tough because I wanted to do the thing I did not choose so much more. But I did not have to do it right then. And I am grateful for the decision. Friday: Today was filled with gifts, so it is hard to just choose one. But I am going to go with subtlety. I reached out and asked someone (who was a stranger, this was for a story), if she was comfortable with how the interview was set up. This was perhaps instinct, but having asked, I was answered with a huge thank you from her for being cognizant enough to ask the question. A gift back. This has been a taxing and rewarding week. I still have not ACTUALLY donated to the scholarship I set out to donate to on Monday. In my experience, this probably means there was another gift that the Universe counted on Monday. And I spent a good deal of time at my grandmother's house renovating. I was joined by my boyfriend who rolled up his sleeves and helped, a gift to me. And while I am renovating so I can comfortably live there, this is also a gift to my mother (who physically cannot do it) and to my brother who wants so much for it to be done, but has no time to do it himself. I have friends on this journey with me this time. Some amazing women who accepted the challenge to give away gifts for 29 days right alongside me. I did not consciously note it at the time, but on the 29th day, I will close a door and step out into opportunity. This grand experiment ends on my last day with my current job. I am happy to enter into it with a line of gifts behind me.

Here is what I am going to do. In my weakest moments, I am going to keep sending him love because it feels the most healing. And I am going to continue to extend grace to him because without that extension of grace, I would not have survived. Because truly, the grace I extend to him (or to anyone else) is not between me and him, but rather it is between me and the divine. I am going to continue to dig through the muck. To find the light that I buried and unearth it. I am going to continue to find what once was the essence of Dawn and to dust it off and add it to the wonderful things I am today. I am going to find the bravery that allows me to look in the mirror at myself and say, yes. You are a good mother. Yes, you love your children. Yes, you do the best for them always. Yes, you make mistakes. But that does not make you any less of a good mother. That makes you human. And in the mistakes, your children figure out what they don’t want and they reach for bigger and better and brighter things. That is a gift that you give them. I am going to look for the place in myself that says a single parent and her children does not make a family and I am going to silence her. I am going to silence her with all of the examples of love that I can find. I am going to silence her with the fun and carefree and happiness that my kids and I have created together. I am going to tell her that I am NOT less of a parent because I am on my own, but rather that I created a life in which I could find more joy than sadness. I created a life in which I could teach them what I thought was really important without having to write a battle plan to get there. I created a life in which they can connect with their grandparents, they can learn to counter conflict in a healthy way, they can experience two separate households that are filled with love for them. They know what home is. And they know, before they ever have to make it on their own, that home is not about a place. It is not about a person. Home is about a feeling and they can find it wherever they find love. I am going to continue to grow and to heal. And while I cannot promise, not yet, that I will not find myself consumed with frustration, or that I will not glance at a universal watch and swear at how long I have been standing in one place, I will make an effort to celebrate more. To notice when I have unfolded the map because the next destination is just beyond the crease. I will listen to what I am really saying. I will pay attention because when it gets really, really hard, it’s probably when I am getting close to something great. And when something is finished, I will end it. Not a moment before. And when I end it, I will do so with light and love. I will do so with gratitude for what it taught me. And I will hold each of the moments that happened thus far in the same way. I will heal the moments that ended with light and love. I will heal myself.