The Fog

It rolls in
sometimes, without warning
like the moments in our lives
Vision blocked
sometimes, completely
dense, wet, solid
Other times, moments of clarity
pure, bright, translucent.
Sometimes, you can see
where you are
but, not where you're going
or where you've been
Sometimes, fog is comforting
it surrounds us
like a blanket of protection.
Other times, it's scary
disorienting
like being in a maze without a map
or the dark of night
without a light.
But, as fast as it rolls in,
it rolls out.
Often, it dissipates
with the light and heat of the sun,
as if only the brightest light
can help us see through the muck.
Sometimes, it lifts, but remains above us
like a warning, to be prepared for anything
or, like a shield, keeping us safe below.
Sometimes, it's just beside us or behind us
or just beyond
like it's not for us
but necessary for us to see.
The fog can make someplace so familiar
foriegn
And someplace foriegn
intimate.
Fog is water
life-sustaining
emotional
cleansing
it creates
and destroys
a juxtaposition of opposites
like the moments in our lives
sometimes, without warning
but, beautiful.

Day 2: Faith

I went to an art therapy class today. It was originally a story, but I was so intrigued by the idea of it that I was excited to be part of the class. The instructor was a Reiki master/teacher and when she had us balance our chakras, she had movements and descriptions that were new for me. It was a cool experience.
The idea was after meditating, balancing chakras, writing intentions, you create art. The ultimate goal of the class was self forgiveness. It's something I am working on now.
I took a long time creating my art, which ended up being a painting of my human self and my higher self that you could see through a doorway. I am not a literal artist, so it was kinda like a childlike drawing, but it was what it was.
When I left, I put the painting on the floor of my passenger's seat because I was eating lunch and did not want to get food on the painting. The problem was that when Joey got in the car, I forgot to move it and there was a big smear over the painting from his boots. I was mad...more mad that I should have been since I did not really like the painting that much.
I was thinking while driving home that I did not have any idea what I was going to do with it. Maybe I would paint over it and create something new. But, there was a section of it that had a bunch of layers of paint.
Maybe I would give it away. But, who would want it? Maybe I would frame it and you might not notice the smear.
All this was on my mind when I stopped at the oasis on the way home. The day before, Joey chose to buy a plastic ring from one of those coin machines. Nate chose candy, but was upset about not having chosen a ring cause he did not have one. So, I told him if he was good, when we passed it on the way home, we would stop and buy him one.
So, I pulled off into the oasis and got out of the car. Suddenly, this guy comes up to me with a gas can asking for a couple bucks to help him and his sister.
I have taken a self-defense class before. I pulled my kids close to me and started walking toward the building, even as I pulled $2 out of my wallet for the guy. He was probably harmless, I decided later on that he must be. But better safe than sorry.
We went in, bought the ring came back outside and got in the car. As Nate was getting on his belt (which always takes forever), I saw that guy getting into his car. It was a much older model, really beat up. He had a woman in the car with him and I was pretty sure that this guy genuinely was trying to get somewhere and had run out of money. I did not have any money left, but suddenly, the painting came to mind.
I pulled up next to his car and rolled down my window. He had to open his door cause his window did not work. I handed him the painting, saying I did not have much money, but I had this painting and maybe they could sell it.
He took it.
It made me think on the way home that I understand the emotions an artist goes through when selling a painting. I di dnot particularly like the painting, but I still felt an attachment to it. I put a lot of energy into it. But, I have a picture of it the class instructor took.
I hope that the energy I put into the painting brough that man and his sister blessings. I hope the energy keeps them safe. I hope it gets them to their destination. And, maybe they can sell it and get some money for it. Or, maybe they will decide they like it and keep it and when they get to where they are going, they will hang it up.
My reason for calling this faith is because I had to have faith. I had to believe that I can forgive myself. I had to believe before begining this experiment the first time that giving gifts would make a difference in my life. I had to believe on day 2 of round two that the man approaching me at the oasis really needed help. I had to believe giving away my painting was a better choice that keeping it.
I had to have faith.

Round II, Day 1: Appetite for Adventure

I took a couple days off before beginning round two of gifts. I think my brain hurt. And I think I was overthinking the whole thing.
So, for day one of round two, I am concentrating on making life an adventure.
Today, on the way to my grandma's house, the boys and I did something I have been promising for a while. We had lunch at an oasis.
Now, we were only traveling from Channahon to Westchester, but there is something about an oasis that always makes me think of a road trip. I am pretty sure that is just a thing for me because, as a kid, we went to Boston every summer. Every year, my grandmother, mom and I would pile in the giant car she drove back then and hit the road. EARLY. Like, before 5 a.m. I was not a morning person then and I am not now. There were always oasis(es). So, it makes me think of the good childhood memories.
For, my kids, though, there is not a lot of that reference. We have gone on little vacations, but no major road trips...yet.
So, for them, it was just eating dinner...but it was eating dinner above the highway. Sitting on the barstools. Watching the traffic drive under us.
They thought it was pretty cool. And, it did not hurt that they got to play a couple claw games when we got there either.
I got additional amusement as I sat there and people watched. I assumed the other people there were traveling. There were some families with small kids, dressed in pajamas. There was also what looked like a small busload of high school students.
But, then, I was not traveling, not really. And, yet, Nate was there, dressed in Pokemon pajamas. (this is the kid who often will not change out of his superman or spiderman pajama shirt). So, they probably assumed the same about me.
It led me to think about Jeri Palmer, a woman whose story I told while she was in Hospice and after she passed away. She said her mother told her that you should always be nice to people, even if they are not nice to you, because you never know what they have going on in their lives.
We make a lot of assumptions about people. Sometimes, we are right. Sometimes we are wrong.
I wasn't on a cross country trip, but I was taking my kids to see their grandparents. I wasn't on a vacation. But, I was on an adventure.
D

Dec. 28: Free, but meaningful

I covered a retreat today for a paper. I love these kind of assignments, cause I get to jump right into the fun the ladies are having, take advantage of some relaxation and usually learn a thing or two. Today, I did jump in for a short massage, which, while nice, was not nearly enough to relax my posture. Those of you who know me well know that I have muscles that need a hammer to get through to.
Anyway, I also was lucky enough to get a manicure today. And my nails do look amazing, especially considering I have been biting the hell out of them lately.
The lady doing my manicure was not sure what was in her lotion, so she used the one I had grabbed a free sample of upstairs so I knew there was nothing in it that would irritate my skin. You would be amazed at the amount of lotions that contain nut oil (and just as a shout-out for Dulci, red dye 40 too).
I told her they were giving away samples upstairs because she was commenting that it was a nice lotion because it was thick.
She said she was going to try to get upstairs and grab some.
I've been a vendor before at these kinds of events. You rarely have time to run and grab free samples from other tables. You have to stay where you. And, when you finally do have time, they usually run out of whatever they were giving away.
With that in mind, I went back to the table later, grabbed a sample for her and brought it downstairs.
It did not cost me anything. It was just a nice gesture.
Today is day 28. Tomorrow would be the last day for me. I don't think I am stopping, though. I have a lot of work to do to shift my former living-in-the-negative energy to my future Thank you-thank you- thank you energy.
I have a plan for tomorrow.
But, more than that, I have a plan to keep going.
Besides, I owe a good friend of mine a statue of a virgin.
Blessings

Feb 25: The gift of youth

I was covering a school board meeting last month and while the board was debating something I was not interested in, I was inspired. I was watching these poor kids who are in middle school, which for me was the worst time of my life. I watched as they cheered louder for some students as their names were callled - for student of the month, or for cheerleading or for soccer - and less loudly for others. I began to think about what we think about when we are young. The world is hopeful, sometimes even if life at home is not. We think about how we are going to grow up and change the world. So, I began writing, not a story about the school board at all, but, rather, lyrics to a song.
The original song is L.A. Song by Beth Hart. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrZw8RToN2Y Here are my inspired lyrics:

She was a girl, just a girl
With her eyes on the sky and her heart in the world
She didn't know, She didn't know
She thought it didn't matter which way she would go
So she walked and she walked, she walked and she walked
She walked so much her shoes fell apart
Be she kept on, she kept on, kept on, she kept on
Pressed through the dusk and the night and the dawn

She thinks, Man, I wanna grow up and leave home
man I wanna grow up was her plea
man I wanna grow up and leave home
wanna grow up and wanna be free

She fell in love, she fell in love,
And while it was staggering, it wasn't enough
She couldn't see, she couldn't see
She couldn't hear a thing beyond her own glea
So she sang and she sang, she sang and she sang,
She sang so much she might go insane
then she cried and she cried, she cried and she cried
for the birds in the branches echoed her pain

She thinks, Man, I wanna grow up and leave home
man I wanna grow up was her plea
man I wanna grow up and leave home
wanna grow up and wanna be free

It's all she saw
it's all she knew
It's what she knew to do
Life's wonder-filled
When you're a girl
There's hope in all the world

So she took a step, she took a step
She moved so far forward, she nearly leapt
She looked ahead, she looked ahead
She knew she would go where she was led
So she grew and she grew, she grew and she grew
She hoped so much she made it through
She was blessed, she was blessed, was blessed, she was blessed
So much so she forgot all the rest

It's all she saw
It's all she knew
It's what she knew to do
Life's wonder-filled
When you're a girl
There's hope in all the world

She said, Man I'm gonna grow up and leave home
Man, I'm gonna live, breathe and play
man I'm gonna grow up and leave home
she walked outta her youth and into today

Day 20: To remain a mystery

I have given away many gifts in the past 19 days. Most of the time, I knew the person I was giving a gift to. There were a couple strangers, and that was very rewarding, but I usually talked myself out of giving to strangers. I was worried that they might think I was stalking them and call the cops or something. In fact, I talked myself out of putting a flower on a stranger's car once because I was worried they would think they had a stalker...someday I am going to put a bunch of flowers on a bunch of cars in the same lot in the hopes I can avoid this problem.
Today, though, I gave a gift to a person who is a friend of a friend and who is going through a transition in her life. I do not know her and have never met her.
The idea for this gift came while I was at a Reiki share, so I would like to think it was divinely inspired.
Over the years, I have bought a number of stone charms that have attributes to help with specific challenges in my life. One was an ametrine, an amethyst stone that is turning into a citrine. Since it is naturally occurring, it is a stone already in transition itself.
The stone is supposed to give the wearer protection and strength.
When I gave this to our mutual friend, I did not specify that they say it came from me. I just wanted her to have the gift. If she thought it came from the person delivering it, that was fine. That was just something I was adding to my strengths - giving with no recognition in return.
I hope she at least thinks the stone is pretty. But, stones don't really give us power, they remind us to find our own. So, I hope she finds her own strength...
And to you all, Joy...Joy and Magic.
D

Day 18: Finnegan, begin again

I am sure that I gave away many gifts in the past three days. Problem is, only one stands out in my mind. For those of you who have been following this experiment, you will remember that I spent Sunday helping my mom clean out her bedroom and left exhausted. Maybe that's why I cannot remember anything specific, save for one...
Yesterday, when the snow was falling pretty well, I had an appointment in Joliet. On the way into the building, the Fed Ex man held the door for me.
"Thanks," I said.
"Oh and drive safely."
The only reason it stands out in my mind is because he seemed so surprized about me wishing him safe travels.
The author of 29 Gifts says when you think you have missed a day, you most asssuredly gave away gifts during the day and you just have to think about what those were.
So, that's where I am at for day 17 at least.
Nonetheless, it is a new day. I am sure I will undertake something exciting today. Day 18: new beginnings.