29 gifts, Round III, Week II

You learn things when you sign up to give away gifts every day for 29 days. And one of the things you learn is how to accept gifts graciously. This counts whether the gifts are physical manifestations or emotional support or prayers. In the energy of the 29 days, you also begin to take stock of the things that you do – maybe they are just ordinary things but they are also gifts. You have to shift your mind to understand that dropping off a trinket, sharing a meal, being there for a friend, even taking quiet time or speaking your truth even when your voice shakes is a gift. So it is in this energy that I wrapped up days 7 through 14. I participated in the Free Love One Dollar event, which is a memorial event for a Yorkville resident where you give away $1 bills randomly. I decorated 6 envelopes, but only ended up giving away one because I spent most of that day at an airplane crash covering a story. On Sunday night, I met a friend for support. As it turns out, I needed an ear to listen as much as she did. It’s funny how that ends up happening. Although I could not tell you an everyday breakdown for sure this last week, I know I did a lot of listening. On Tuesday, I listened to an acquaintance pitch a business she had just begun. I was upfront and honest that I would not be signing up (I am allergic to the produce, so I am probably not the best spokesperson), but I let her go through the whole thing. Maybe she needed to practice or maybe she needed to just share it with me because one day someone else will wonder about it and I can point them her way. I gave a lot of time this last week too. I rearranged my schedule for a couple things other people needed and again it ended up being a welcome respite for me as well. Finally, my dad’s birthday was Friday. I bought him a bunch of fruit. He has diabetes, so I try to find healthy alternatives for him. While I know too much fruit can also be bad, I know it’s a better option than cake and I know he really enjoys fruit. The concept of giving is sometimes a strange one – what constitutes as a genuine gift, whether physical or not, can change in every moment. I hope that everyday, even when I am not concentrating on giving, I am a giving person. This week, I plan to give away flowers at least one day this week. It is one of the things I have done every time I have done this project. Go buy a bouquet and leave flowers on cars in a parking lot. This time, I think I will chose a destination that needs a little sunshine. Stay tuned…

29 Gifts - Round III, Week I

If you follow my blog you know that twice before I have taken on the challenge of giving away 29 gifts in 29 days. Inspired by a suggestion about a book by Cami Walker, the idea is just simply to be mindful of giving a gift of some kind every day for 29 days. What I learned in the first two rounds of this experiment are true this round as well and it has only been about five days. Here are the lessons in a nutshell. 1. You change your definition of a gift 2. You are so squarely in the energy of giving and gratitude that gifts begin arriving to you. 3. Even with the best intention otherwise, you give the gift you are meant to give on the day you are meant to give it and not a day earlier. 4. You think differently, which means sometimes you think, 'I could pass this up, but I am giving gifts right now.' 5. Possibility and challenge are all around you. Really, they always were, but you might not have noticed. A gift can be ANYTHING. And thinking of it in this way opens you to the possibility that things that you thought nothing of could truly change someone or something. I had this habit the first time I did this experiment to pay someone's toll. I think it's because something so basic would have meant so much to me when I was a poor college student who did not have the cash. Sure, now we have iPass (well, I still don't), but it still means something. This experiment opens you up to thinking beyond your own borders. I am five days in. I have had people reach out to me, say kind things and leave loving messages on my Facebook wall. My kids have given me extra kisses and people have seemed to reach out more even to just say thank you. Maybe it all would have happened without this experiment, but maybe the magic is in noticing it. I began the week like this - Monday: Donate to scholarship fund Tuesday: Help a friend move Wednesday: Rearrange my schedule to be with my kids after school. This was tough to analyze because certainly I WANTED to spend more time with my kids than I ordinarily get - so in a way it was also a gift TO me. But it was a gift from me and I am learning that many, many times they are both. Thursday: I spontaneously gifted myself time. I chose one thing over another which was tough because I wanted to do the thing I did not choose so much more. But I did not have to do it right then. And I am grateful for the decision. Friday: Today was filled with gifts, so it is hard to just choose one. But I am going to go with subtlety. I reached out and asked someone (who was a stranger, this was for a story), if she was comfortable with how the interview was set up. This was perhaps instinct, but having asked, I was answered with a huge thank you from her for being cognizant enough to ask the question. A gift back. This has been a taxing and rewarding week. I still have not ACTUALLY donated to the scholarship I set out to donate to on Monday. In my experience, this probably means there was another gift that the Universe counted on Monday. And I spent a good deal of time at my grandmother's house renovating. I was joined by my boyfriend who rolled up his sleeves and helped, a gift to me. And while I am renovating so I can comfortably live there, this is also a gift to my mother (who physically cannot do it) and to my brother who wants so much for it to be done, but has no time to do it himself. I have friends on this journey with me this time. Some amazing women who accepted the challenge to give away gifts for 29 days right alongside me. I did not consciously note it at the time, but on the 29th day, I will close a door and step out into opportunity. This grand experiment ends on my last day with my current job. I am happy to enter into it with a line of gifts behind me.

Here is what I am going to do. In my weakest moments, I am going to keep sending him love because it feels the most healing. And I am going to continue to extend grace to him because without that extension of grace, I would not have survived. Because truly, the grace I extend to him (or to anyone else) is not between me and him, but rather it is between me and the divine. I am going to continue to dig through the muck. To find the light that I buried and unearth it. I am going to continue to find what once was the essence of Dawn and to dust it off and add it to the wonderful things I am today. I am going to find the bravery that allows me to look in the mirror at myself and say, yes. You are a good mother. Yes, you love your children. Yes, you do the best for them always. Yes, you make mistakes. But that does not make you any less of a good mother. That makes you human. And in the mistakes, your children figure out what they don’t want and they reach for bigger and better and brighter things. That is a gift that you give them. I am going to look for the place in myself that says a single parent and her children does not make a family and I am going to silence her. I am going to silence her with all of the examples of love that I can find. I am going to silence her with the fun and carefree and happiness that my kids and I have created together. I am going to tell her that I am NOT less of a parent because I am on my own, but rather that I created a life in which I could find more joy than sadness. I created a life in which I could teach them what I thought was really important without having to write a battle plan to get there. I created a life in which they can connect with their grandparents, they can learn to counter conflict in a healthy way, they can experience two separate households that are filled with love for them. They know what home is. And they know, before they ever have to make it on their own, that home is not about a place. It is not about a person. Home is about a feeling and they can find it wherever they find love. I am going to continue to grow and to heal. And while I cannot promise, not yet, that I will not find myself consumed with frustration, or that I will not glance at a universal watch and swear at how long I have been standing in one place, I will make an effort to celebrate more. To notice when I have unfolded the map because the next destination is just beyond the crease. I will listen to what I am really saying. I will pay attention because when it gets really, really hard, it’s probably when I am getting close to something great. And when something is finished, I will end it. Not a moment before. And when I end it, I will do so with light and love. I will do so with gratitude for what it taught me. And I will hold each of the moments that happened thus far in the same way. I will heal the moments that ended with light and love. I will heal myself.

The Fog

It rolls in
sometimes, without warning
like the moments in our lives
Vision blocked
sometimes, completely
dense, wet, solid
Other times, moments of clarity
pure, bright, translucent.
Sometimes, you can see
where you are
but, not where you're going
or where you've been
Sometimes, fog is comforting
it surrounds us
like a blanket of protection.
Other times, it's scary
disorienting
like being in a maze without a map
or the dark of night
without a light.
But, as fast as it rolls in,
it rolls out.
Often, it dissipates
with the light and heat of the sun,
as if only the brightest light
can help us see through the muck.
Sometimes, it lifts, but remains above us
like a warning, to be prepared for anything
or, like a shield, keeping us safe below.
Sometimes, it's just beside us or behind us
or just beyond
like it's not for us
but necessary for us to see.
The fog can make someplace so familiar
foriegn
And someplace foriegn
intimate.
Fog is water
life-sustaining
emotional
cleansing
it creates
and destroys
a juxtaposition of opposites
like the moments in our lives
sometimes, without warning
but, beautiful.

Day 2: Faith

I went to an art therapy class today. It was originally a story, but I was so intrigued by the idea of it that I was excited to be part of the class. The instructor was a Reiki master/teacher and when she had us balance our chakras, she had movements and descriptions that were new for me. It was a cool experience.
The idea was after meditating, balancing chakras, writing intentions, you create art. The ultimate goal of the class was self forgiveness. It's something I am working on now.
I took a long time creating my art, which ended up being a painting of my human self and my higher self that you could see through a doorway. I am not a literal artist, so it was kinda like a childlike drawing, but it was what it was.
When I left, I put the painting on the floor of my passenger's seat because I was eating lunch and did not want to get food on the painting. The problem was that when Joey got in the car, I forgot to move it and there was a big smear over the painting from his boots. I was mad...more mad that I should have been since I did not really like the painting that much.
I was thinking while driving home that I did not have any idea what I was going to do with it. Maybe I would paint over it and create something new. But, there was a section of it that had a bunch of layers of paint.
Maybe I would give it away. But, who would want it? Maybe I would frame it and you might not notice the smear.
All this was on my mind when I stopped at the oasis on the way home. The day before, Joey chose to buy a plastic ring from one of those coin machines. Nate chose candy, but was upset about not having chosen a ring cause he did not have one. So, I told him if he was good, when we passed it on the way home, we would stop and buy him one.
So, I pulled off into the oasis and got out of the car. Suddenly, this guy comes up to me with a gas can asking for a couple bucks to help him and his sister.
I have taken a self-defense class before. I pulled my kids close to me and started walking toward the building, even as I pulled $2 out of my wallet for the guy. He was probably harmless, I decided later on that he must be. But better safe than sorry.
We went in, bought the ring came back outside and got in the car. As Nate was getting on his belt (which always takes forever), I saw that guy getting into his car. It was a much older model, really beat up. He had a woman in the car with him and I was pretty sure that this guy genuinely was trying to get somewhere and had run out of money. I did not have any money left, but suddenly, the painting came to mind.
I pulled up next to his car and rolled down my window. He had to open his door cause his window did not work. I handed him the painting, saying I did not have much money, but I had this painting and maybe they could sell it.
He took it.
It made me think on the way home that I understand the emotions an artist goes through when selling a painting. I di dnot particularly like the painting, but I still felt an attachment to it. I put a lot of energy into it. But, I have a picture of it the class instructor took.
I hope that the energy I put into the painting brough that man and his sister blessings. I hope the energy keeps them safe. I hope it gets them to their destination. And, maybe they can sell it and get some money for it. Or, maybe they will decide they like it and keep it and when they get to where they are going, they will hang it up.
My reason for calling this faith is because I had to have faith. I had to believe that I can forgive myself. I had to believe before begining this experiment the first time that giving gifts would make a difference in my life. I had to believe on day 2 of round two that the man approaching me at the oasis really needed help. I had to believe giving away my painting was a better choice that keeping it.
I had to have faith.

Round II, Day 1: Appetite for Adventure

I took a couple days off before beginning round two of gifts. I think my brain hurt. And I think I was overthinking the whole thing.
So, for day one of round two, I am concentrating on making life an adventure.
Today, on the way to my grandma's house, the boys and I did something I have been promising for a while. We had lunch at an oasis.
Now, we were only traveling from Channahon to Westchester, but there is something about an oasis that always makes me think of a road trip. I am pretty sure that is just a thing for me because, as a kid, we went to Boston every summer. Every year, my grandmother, mom and I would pile in the giant car she drove back then and hit the road. EARLY. Like, before 5 a.m. I was not a morning person then and I am not now. There were always oasis(es). So, it makes me think of the good childhood memories.
For, my kids, though, there is not a lot of that reference. We have gone on little vacations, but no major road trips...yet.
So, for them, it was just eating dinner...but it was eating dinner above the highway. Sitting on the barstools. Watching the traffic drive under us.
They thought it was pretty cool. And, it did not hurt that they got to play a couple claw games when we got there either.
I got additional amusement as I sat there and people watched. I assumed the other people there were traveling. There were some families with small kids, dressed in pajamas. There was also what looked like a small busload of high school students.
But, then, I was not traveling, not really. And, yet, Nate was there, dressed in Pokemon pajamas. (this is the kid who often will not change out of his superman or spiderman pajama shirt). So, they probably assumed the same about me.
It led me to think about Jeri Palmer, a woman whose story I told while she was in Hospice and after she passed away. She said her mother told her that you should always be nice to people, even if they are not nice to you, because you never know what they have going on in their lives.
We make a lot of assumptions about people. Sometimes, we are right. Sometimes we are wrong.
I wasn't on a cross country trip, but I was taking my kids to see their grandparents. I wasn't on a vacation. But, I was on an adventure.
D

Dec. 28: Free, but meaningful

I covered a retreat today for a paper. I love these kind of assignments, cause I get to jump right into the fun the ladies are having, take advantage of some relaxation and usually learn a thing or two. Today, I did jump in for a short massage, which, while nice, was not nearly enough to relax my posture. Those of you who know me well know that I have muscles that need a hammer to get through to.
Anyway, I also was lucky enough to get a manicure today. And my nails do look amazing, especially considering I have been biting the hell out of them lately.
The lady doing my manicure was not sure what was in her lotion, so she used the one I had grabbed a free sample of upstairs so I knew there was nothing in it that would irritate my skin. You would be amazed at the amount of lotions that contain nut oil (and just as a shout-out for Dulci, red dye 40 too).
I told her they were giving away samples upstairs because she was commenting that it was a nice lotion because it was thick.
She said she was going to try to get upstairs and grab some.
I've been a vendor before at these kinds of events. You rarely have time to run and grab free samples from other tables. You have to stay where you. And, when you finally do have time, they usually run out of whatever they were giving away.
With that in mind, I went back to the table later, grabbed a sample for her and brought it downstairs.
It did not cost me anything. It was just a nice gesture.
Today is day 28. Tomorrow would be the last day for me. I don't think I am stopping, though. I have a lot of work to do to shift my former living-in-the-negative energy to my future Thank you-thank you- thank you energy.
I have a plan for tomorrow.
But, more than that, I have a plan to keep going.
Besides, I owe a good friend of mine a statue of a virgin.
Blessings